I admit, but I think it’s honestly reflective with how i feel right now. I have a lot on my plate right now, and it’s understandable cause i just got out of school – so I’m doing the crazy thing where you try all the things and you’re, exhilerated, and energetic, but also about to be stretched thin.
context: let’s count those hats.
1. i work a flexi-time 8 hour job at an NGO for homeless people.
And the dynamics of grantees and charity are QUITE. HMM. INTERESTING I MIGHT SAY. and my headstrong aries attitude is ambitious with almost nil communications and marketing plans for their efforts but also I’m still just learning the ropes. I’m doing this to earn two years worth of internship hours to be a
2. registered license architect, specializing on communities.
3. philippine salsa scene, not to brag –
but I plan on inheriting the salsa scene in manila from my salsa mother maam ana. I’m really young for it, and the philippines is too poor to support a social dance community, but i sincerely believe in it and want to grow into it over the years. partner dance is a #passion of mine (see this this and this).
and yes i do love this, but this takes #commitment and #time. performances have rehearsals, i need to study leading/doing the role of the guy to teach, and being present in the socials is the essential spirit of the dance (and that’s 10pm-3am!). and even going to international congress, The thing is i can’t deep dive into this quite yet, cause it’s not the right time, and I’m out discovering other parts of myself. and a part of me feels bad for skipping something i genuinely love. the salsa scene is 1 full hour away from my house. WHYYYY. i provide classes in my house from time to time but i can tell I’m not on top of my dancing game.
4. paid performer/member of Kontragapi(KG).
This stands for Kontemporaryong gamelan filipino. Which is a contemporary indegenous music, dance and thater group from my college days. I love it in the sense that we constantly perform, and i get to travel to study ethnic tribes in the mountains with a tour. and yes, you bet i study shamanic practices from my country – why do you think I’m here ?? I TALK TO THOSE MOUNTAINS. but also I’ve done half days and overtimes, and weekend times at my work just to attend to my KG trips and I feel bad for our troop leader for always having to beg me to come…
5. part-time online FB page management.
this pays well, and my brother is paying me. I don’t know if that’s karmic or what, but my brother is usually #stressed and #angry and though I’m pretty competent AF at the graphic design portion, i feel like im also a lowkey #therapist and #relationship coach to my brother and god is emotional support a full time job..
= free thought! reflection! commitment and space where i could be my occult and multi-faceted self. it’s also a process to understand everything that’s happening
7. burgeoning independence.
refer to this (post) about my sheltered life. so me getting a driver’s license, uber, being allowed to go out with out 8 levels of permission is a REAL PROJECT IN MY MIND. my dad’s a high ranking military general and this is gonna be much easier after he retires in 2.5 years. but fam i can’t be a dumb bunny. I’m hedging out to #travelalone, #moveout, #getanapartment. all high level stuff involving MONEY. which if you can tell I’m not such a smooth criminal about, but I’m working on that #abundance
8. dried flowers in resin bangles jewelry.
just. listen to me. my goals of being a nature shaman dryad studying botanist-paid-craft-artist dreams can come true. i get paid to talk to trees ( i no kid want to channel messages into these bangles), and FAM, it’s the best kind of lowkey magic jewelry kind of thing and i could ship internationally!!! wouldn’t that be every dopey artist’s dream ?! I HAVE A KIT. I HAVE NO TIME.
you see. even if i focused on only one of these hats each day of the week, i will run out of week. the week is literally not long enough, and there isn’t even, mandated rest. AND YES I UNDERSTAND REAL PASSION IS LIMITLESS BUT FAM. this isn’t even a dogged singlemindedness to ONE grand thing, if you see all those above numbers- you’ll see that they don’t quite intersect.
but they’re all part of me. thus confusion. thus i need some sort of tarot hanged man maneuver of surrender, where everything will just snap into place in the perfect time.
I’ve had golden moments of alignment even having all these things, moments where I completely read the ebb and flow of all these energies and and I know how to ride the waves.
sometimes i fall off the surboard.
#feuckshit. i hope future me is reading this and laughing at my woes but fam. even sadghuru said that the ashram has such a regularized schedule just so that people could really just focus on sitting well with themselves, and making them well. and though this meditativeness is something ivery much have evidence can be brought to daily life, this consolidation- integration of my varied hats, are yet to find a rhythm.
sadghuru also warns against the bane of ‘habit’. how that’s just repetitive decisions done unconsciously to a point that your actions would lack intensity or True Awareness, since you’re on the crutch of habits.
Hwell. I can tell myself that. as i attempt to be fully present to so many curveballs coming my way. is this the super moon ? merc retrograde.
COME ON MAALIA.
(feel free to rant too in the comments)