IT’S OKAY. YOU’RE FINE.
BREATHE. DO TEN BREATHS I KNOW YOU ARE QUESTIONING EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW DOUBTING EACH CONSTRUCT AND PERCEPTION YOU’VE EVER HAD AND TIME ITSELF AND YOU’RE FUCKING SCARED IT’S FINE.
YOU. WILL. GET THROUGH THIS.
I did a bunch of really strong energetic upgrade codes while reading a book on seeking , and awareness mid 2016 and boy did i remember how much it slapped me into sudden awareness and the sheer terror of the sudden dissolution.
awakening is not all fluff.
and my official story that time was that “i had a peek at enlightenment, and i chickened out”. i was like those sailors on the raft of medusa painting being tossed by an endless torment of ocean, being beaten up into nothingness. ALL THAT I RELIED ON AND BELIEVED, IT DISSOLVED, I KNEW. so viscerally- that all my attachments weren’t real and i felt my identity trying to grasp unto sand, slipping through my fingers of things that were fake, ultimately facing the reality of the illusion.
what I only heard in books as maya, illusion, veil. They say enlightenment is like walking out of a cage. and that sudden brief moments of awakening are like being on a trampoline where you get to see over the wall, the fence of this reality. what they call the ‘matrix’ all this rolling tumbling of karma. HOH. BOY.
months prior to that, i already had a visceral experience of things existing beyond material reality. my sixth senses opened, what could be labeled ‘as miracles’ or some dogmas ‘as gifts of the spirit’. whatever. i was able to feel people’s thoughts as things, as existent floating things. i could read energies of situations and people even those that are removed from my time and location. i felt spirit in altars, and energies of rooms shift and change when a person prayed.
i could tell the shape of someone’s pain. and lies.
Months after this raft slapping moment, i was wracked my months of etheric rain for apparently no reason and my dreams were VIVD, WILD, BEYOND MY IMAGINATIONS, felt like lifetimes, as if waking up into- my ‘normal’ life was the dream. i wasn’t just saying that to feel like a movie. I sincerely felt it, waking here, felt heavy, and weird and fake and my mind was in this constant tumbling mess of chaos, questioning everything WHILE having to pull off a thesis.
haha, looking back i kinda missed that wildness. i never reached such peaks of ecstasy and lucidity and awareness of my own constructs and life life life life life. unimaginable love.
I now am working to prepare myself with reaching such awareness. I’m building courage for breaking the prison wall, I’m more patient now. I know the candle light disappears in the light of the sun, and such “ego death” (loaded term i know but how else would i describe it ?) is not a trifle thing.
when this pain grips you in THAT SLAP????
Consider it a gift.
So you don’t forget.
There was a point in my weird ass life that everything else lost energy? importance? vividness. As if everything they told you were important in life – all the troubles, the worry, the baggage, the attachment, the ‘seduction of the senses’ – just lost gas. lost air. it fell down. I look at mainstream media, and people’s expectations – and i’m not acting “oh me more spiritually haughty then you” – it’s just that i feel it in all the cells of my body how empty it is???? how empty these people are.
I’ve encountered people who were so #woke, with huge engulfing auras, and these – like literally fucking heavenly presences, the inner fragrance rumi keeps writing poetry about – and you can do nothing else but fall to your knees and be cripple and want nothing else. YOU LONG FOR THIS WEAKNESS. THIS DISSOLUTION. IT WILL FRUSTRATE YOU. HOW YOU WILL SOUND CRAZY AND INSANE. and there will be no use explaining this to your previous relationships because this isn’t to be explained it’s to be realized – so you just damn fucking live on.
you’re not alone.
breathe, center in yourself.
enjoy the ride my lovely heart