or: the letter I can’t send my estranged cousin, because you make yourself feel worse when you see your younger cousin be more “ok” than you, and all I can do is love you through this distance.
I’m not in your position, so who am I to talk? right?
welliloveyou, and I’m an intuitive, an empath, lowkey psychic and maybe I can offer you an alternative perspective you can FREELY try on your own, but by no means are forced to. I’m frustrated, not because you keep failing. But because you’re a phenomenal human being, and ALL I SEE IS GLITTERING O.P.P.U.R.T.U.N.I.T.Y, and i’m here making disclaimers not to be assassinated. and i’m only going to say things that I know work based on my personal experience..
1 don’t glamorize being depressed. don’t make it part of how you identify yourself.
admitting to yourself that you are in a bad position can be an extremely powerful thing to do, but with how you post about social media and print tags over your profile picture – this is not the case. your aura reeks im sorry. – this is your only narrative where you find yourself the center, valid, but also the one where you have to STAY sick.
find things to lose yourself in, which are bigger than you, and make that a larger part of your identity and personality. don’t fixate on a victim narrative, or feeling “cool” and “trendy” for being tired all the time, that depression is artistic and should be constantly in the forefront. YES YOU COULD EMPOWER PEOPLE WITH YOUR STORY. BUT. HEAL. YOURSELF. FIRST.
2 how ? change your STATE.
completely change the track of your mind and do something that makes you fill up with energy. emergency dance party, go out on a mad run, slap your face, douse yourself with freezing cold water, ANYTHING TO SHOCK YOU OUT OF IT. decide decide decide decide that yeah you’re going through shit, but you ain’t gonna fix it there baby- SO GET OUT. RUN OUT OF THE BURNING BUILDING. watch the most stupid sports match that you like, or that fandom that just makes you YELL FROM KILIG (filipino for giddy on love), do an impromptu karaoke of the most badass ROCK SONGS EVER. and imagine you’re in a fully packed concert of angels with tears streaming from your face cause QUEEN JUST LOOKED AT YOU. JUST DO IT.
if certain people bring you down, I don’t care if it’s your mother. JUST stay the EFF away.
3 use your depression as a knife, cut to the core of your belief systems
healing is not all glitter and hugs. and you keep choosing psychotherapists who are either nice or too patient with you. you keep thinking you need more time to stew over this when you don’t see the ETHERIC MUTILATION, when an infinite being is making itself smaller and least. If you want change- you need to cut to the core of the issue, you need to USE THEIS SCATHING SELF CRITIQUE AND FOCUS, FOR YOUR ADVANTAGE, to excise the tumor.
I’ll teach you psychic surgery. why are you sad ? why are you mad ? state it as clearly as possible, like a math problem. now look at that belief, what did you have to believe about yourself to keep fueling that belief ?
“i deserve an apology, the people i love treat me like shit. i’m hurting, i hate this”
what this reads as is: i’m dependent on other people’s actions to make me feel better
—- harsh? YEAH. KEEP GOING.
read: my emotions are Valid AF, I don’t like it one bit so I’m deciding to think of a better way to see this. and I’m not stopping until I find a narrative that doesn’t excuse other people of their action – but still EMPOWERS ME to take a better position.
— go on a mental argument with yourself. shuffle through perspectives fast like a deck until you find a mental hook, just the right word or image that make you feel huh. I THINK IM OK WITH THAT ONE.
example: i was tired, and I felt offended that person A only thought of himself, and was a selfish shit and I’m upset because I didn’t communicate my boundaries. But at that point in time i found that idea exhausting too..
I’m deciding to get me some rest and some distance to cool off from said tiring person and um.
I think that’s too much a high expectation I set for him? I already knew he was in a shitty mood, I can’t expect bananas to fall from an apple tree. WHY would I expect understanding ?? Am I dumb?> AM I DUMB? NO. NOO. I DO DESERVE BETTER, BUT I CANT BE STUPID ABOUT THIS EITHER. I’ll be aware of my own energies next time , and stay the fuck away from situations that drain me.
4 you. know yourself.
Be the devil’s advocate to your own misery. you’re good at this sabotage- sabotage the sabotage. know the things that would push your buttons to the other direction no matter how absurd. it doesn’t matter how weird as long as it works, be relentless. do weird ass shit to tell your subconscious what you’re doing. joke with yourself. act it out.
example: You stick figure, are my father. I am connecting through magic telepathy powers that this is some crazy voodoo doll thing and I’m going to roleplay with you. I’m gonna make you say sorry. I’m also gonna say sorry…. umm. im gonna kiss your feet. I’m gonna make you into a paper airplane and set you free so i don’t have to carry you around anymore
example: i’m going to write all my hurt on a piece of paper and watch it burn slowly ask the dead gods to burn off all the karma and the bondage, I NEED TO BE EXTRA, I’ll burn the bench, I’m this adamant about my decision so god help me. and as naturally as this fire will die, all my hurt and pain will run out of fuel too, consume itself into nothing and AFTER THIS. I WILL BE AT PEACE.
this will work if you let it. it doesn’t matter how absurd, what matters is intent. this is just a permission slip for you to finally allow yourself to be all that you can be, that you just need this crutch, this physical thing to signal to yourself that you’re out.
I love you, but really you love you and that’s even better.
see you around,