The nature of unintegrated truths is always this: IT ALWAYS ILLICITS AN UNCOMFORTABLE REACTION TO THE CORE OF YOUR BEING.
BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT TO LOOK AT IT
but it’s there.
YOU DON’T WANT TO ADMIT IT
but you know it’s true.
YOU WISH YOU CAN UNSEE IT
but you really damn well can’t. and now you’re reading a blog article to get over it.
say whuuuuuut. ano daw.
Well honey, listen to me I’ve been in your predicament.
THING 1: ARIES LITTLE ARIES
I never understood why I was an Aries. And then cafeauastrology happened to me, and instead of describing me as an angry little nut, it told me i had 10,000 side projects, i love starting things but not committing to them, i have a wide variety of interests and talents, impulsive to a fault, because i do not like to get bored.
Imagine: war flashbacks okay.
my homeroom teacher from 7th grade wishing an avenue for my multiple talents, being an acads nerd and artist and a closet dancer at the same time. to my dance background which is shorthand for everything, because I keep wanting to experience different studios and dance cultures and seeing where ballet actually helps folkdancing and so forth.
me graduating from college, and nearby exhausting myself from all the things I now actually have the freedom to do.
((hear hear: jewelry line? coffee delivery ?? blogging? learning web design for the NGO I’m working on? ACTUALLY TEACHING SALSA. Oh meditation certification! Oh traditional chinese medicine certification. maybe just acupuncture. talking to trees, sneaking out of the houses for angel initiations, more! dance gigs—-OH LOOK AT HOW SIC I MADE MYSELF)
IT’S LIKE THE STARS ALIGNED. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH. OH GOOD LORD I DON’T WANT TO DEAL WITH IT.
I kept writing this in my notes: I need to learn how to commit. i need to learn how to age properly in a thing that I’m interested in/good at. currently this is salsa dancing and instead of me running after movement meditation(WHICH WILL HAPPEN ONE DAY MIND YOU) i need to get my teaching chops down first and fulfill the promises i made to myself when i was younger. I’ll be a salsa artist who can teach, dance as a guy, and perform one hot solo. now that i’m actually near all those said things, i keep jumping off board.
why ?? CAUSE I’M SCARED(?). I GUESS?? I DON’T BELIEVE IN MYSELF ??? I always like being the beginner who’s just soaking up all this new things and knowledge and actually growing up to be the one handing it down is kinda WEIRD??? MEDYO LANG. To be in a position of authority ?? to be entrusted with a class?? (THIS OVERWHELMS ME NGL FAM.)
the first key is self awareness. and if you’re scared, that’s just a whole LOAD of energy waiting to be transformed.
-143 SQUARE MOON – VENUS SOMETHING SOMETHING
IT SAYS. I VALUE HARMONY SO MUCH I DON’T PRIORITIZE MY OWN EMOTIONAL NEEDS. TO A POINT THAT I’M GOOD AT PACIFYING A ROOM BECAUSE OF #SELFSACRIFICE, AND HELL DO I EVEN KNOW WHAT I WANT ??? ARE YOU LEARNING ABOUT WHAT YOU REALLY NEED ??? NOPE AND UUUUUH NUOOOPE. DI PO.
and I swear war flashbacks to all the times, I gave in to other peoples wishes and desires just because I wanted the conflicts to be done. to a point that I wore myself out, and i ended up being so bloody with no one but myself because why am I ALWAYS ADJUSTING.
this is so difficult to do for me. I would have people who I love ask things from me in such compromising times and I’m like (ohwow standard me wouldn’t even think twice about dropping everything, but I’m really sick and I’m doing the square moon venus thing again aren’t I?? i need rest. he got himself in his own trouble and i’m not indebted to do anything…) SO. HARD. SO BLOODY HARD.
second to the hundreth key: STILL. SELF AWARENESS. CALL YOURSELF OUT ON YOUR OWN PATTERNS. DRAW A LINE.
Unearthing new truths about yourself may be uncomfortable for a while but think of it this way:
- you actually know what to CALL IT NOW.
- identifying the problem is half the solution (so you’re half way done honey!)
- a you that doesn’t have to deal with this is statistically existent. I mean if infinity exists, a you that CAN get over this, does, and you also have infinite ways of doing this. Just dropping it, performing a ritual, arguing with yourself with some cold hard logic so many yo. BUT YOU MUST KNOW, TO THE VERY CENTER OF YOUR CORE, that this version of you IS BLOODY REAL>> you were able to encase it in words so- well?
You just need to go integrating it, or you gonna stay stunned forever?
Ever had a similiar eureka moment? tell me about it in the comments