Hello, I’m Maalia, and my best friend, my brother has been going through shitty times. His longterm girlfriend who he thought was gonna marry, cheated on him. And his rebound was this hot, low-key celebrity who happened to be self-destructive and did cocaine. Every time he felt like shit, he would talk to me until 3am in the morning.
And I’ve had to handle his energy for ALL of his life. I knew him and his patterns and I could point out the belief systems that he had that was sabatoging his own success for a good relationship. The harder part really was for him to (1) REALIZE THIS HIMSELF. So that he could (2) SORT THROUGH THE SHITTY belief systems.
And to be honest, I really knew the effecitivity of the shit I say, will only be directly proportional to the amount of self-awareness he was willing to rise up to.
It’s really hard seeing someone you love struggle, but you can only give them the tools for self-healing and self-love. It’s up to them wether they’ll use it or not. To you, dear reader who wants to analyse why the hell you’ve been going through shitty relationships know that these tools only work as well as you’re willing to let them work towards your own healing. Your healing is IN YOUR, HANDS. And I’ll give you these two hot awesome tools how to go about it.
TOOL #1: Write a story of how a personal hero of yours, goes through the same issues as you
Disassosciate your identity from the problem. Don’t think YOU’RE problematic. You have thought patterns that are problematic, and it’s easier to see it when it’s on another person. So take your favorite hero and write him with your own neurosis, and see it in a new light.
My brother told a story of this prince-king who had huge shoes to fill from his family name. That he was obsessed with this checklist, of what would make a conqueror successful and worthy of admiration. That when he had his fighting arm cut off he -was left with nothing to do, he felt hollow and useless.
(This is my brother alluding to himself associating himself too closely with his accomplishments, we’re getting somewhere)
OK how would the prince heal?
He said he had no clue. I ratted off other scenarios that could be similiar. A career ending sports injury for an olympic swimmer leaves him alone and traumatized in a hospital room. Where does he get his strength ? Maybe after he heals he becomes a therapist or a coach who has an actual authority over athletes to tell them to not overtrain, and REST smart. He could show them how to counteract their bodily imbalances from pattern overload. (My brother is an athlete and I had to use references that he could relate to).
My brother offered another example.
Elliot Hulse, was a body builder and strength coach who suffered major injuries twice. He learned the hardway of doing more ‘yin’ like restful practices that calmed his racing mind, and he now teaches this grounding camp, a specific program he developed for people like him – gym rats, how to connect to the earth.
They learned their lessons. As the fairy godmother would say, to you I give you the gift of your flaws. These are your lessons, and this will be your incredible point of empathy as you also see these problems in others. And who do you think has the most power to help them ? You. You’re specific experience, and context. You, your problems, are a gift.
TOOL #2: WRITE YOUR IDEAL LOVER.
Use all the boundaries and frustrations that you’ve learned from the break-up and write them down. Write the complete opposite and run away with what you’ve realized are your desires and the energies you want to live with.
THIS IDEAL LOVER WILL BE WHO YOU ARE TO YOURSELF. HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF.
My brother went like whu ???? So hear me out. You’ll move mountains for the person you love right ? Go through heaven and hell. You’d let the love transform you into a better person. The question is that do you have that love for yourself ? We are all reflections of each other and you only receive the love you think you deserve.
you only receive the love you think you deserve.
you only receive the love you’re capable of giving yourself.
read that agian.
you only receive the love you’re capable of giving yourself.
So don’t be stuck in the emotional age of 12 and actually learn how to love yourself, and take care of yourself mentally and emotionally. The crazy thing is that as you get better at it, you’ll have so much love that overflows that loving other people becomes self-less and easy. Because your cup is full and overflowing. There’s no accounting to be done, no CO-DEPENDENCY, no blame games of you did this and you did that.
you’re self-reliant and radiant when you are in a state of love for yourself.
So let’s go back to that ideal lover. And look at your list and you’ll start to see here his patterns. (This is only an excerpt of a long list)
> is beautiful (what do you mean beautiful ? Physically beautiful … okay)
> is malambing (roughly translates to ‘loving’. I asked my brother what’s malambing to him? He says physical touch and I’m like that’s outwards looking again…)
> goes after her own dreams pero ako ang uuwian (translation: but I’m the one she comes home to. See how he uses the words ‘goes after’ to describe someone with their relationship with their dream.)
See how my brother has a very outward focus in life. He’s incredibly amazing at getting check-lists done and is bloody amazing at money. But isn’t he seeing that the physical form check-list he has is lacking.
EXAMPLE 1: okay your rebound was “malambing”. But what did her “lovingness” come from ? Out of a sense of neediness, clingyness and this unhealthy dependency. She loves fixing broken guys so after she fixed you after your last break-up, you were too healthy. So she becomes manipulative and tries to break you so that you need her again. So that she feels needed again and worthy of love. That’s the physically expressive ‘malambing’ you attracted last time and it really not sustainable.
( AND GOD IF ISN’t SHITTY.)
so okay let’s try to shift that. You want love where it’s this outpouring of love that she already has inside herself. It’s given freely and reliably, from the wellspring of her own being. (My brother is squinting at this point) and she’s fully capable of loving herself on her own.
I ask a follow up question, what does she do after you come home ?
My brother says she makes a really amazing meal and asks me about my day. Not trying to solve my problems but just for me to have an understanding ear and just help me unpack myself. To wind down.
I say, she probably makes you watch something stupid like cartoons to unwind.
he says YEAH. THAT.
i ask him, if he’s capable of talking to himself like this, treating himself like this after a long day.
my brother squints at me again. Why would he do that ?
cause you have love for yourself and that’s what you said you needed to feel cared about.
my brother stays queit for a while.
He has a question. If I do that for myself, wouldn’t I deprive other people of caring me in that way ?
WELL ISN’T THAT A SHITTY BELIEF SYSTEM
That’s like the difference of a paramedic delivering dextrox to an emergency patient, versus this doting wife who wants to share a home cooked meal with you. The other one is this ongoing crisis, this do or DIE need that’s an externalized dependency on another person to keep you alive. And the other one is a celebration and appreciation of life that you’re sharing.
I respect the paramedic for the role that he fulfills but THAT’S NOT SUSTAINABLE. You don’t gut out something that is for your well-being so that you can stick people to fill in that role.
(( this is the underlying patriarchy talking. This is men being taught not how to be emotional and in touch with their own feelings. That the role of women /girlfriends in their lives is to put them together and be a kind ear, when really for us chicks a sympathetic ear is the norm.))
CAN’T YOU LOVE YOURSELF? can’t you install an extra voice like siri in your head which is you Acting like wife material, being loving and understanding with yourself ? You live with yourself all your life, don’t you want to enjoy who you’re spending time with ?
THIS IS WHAT WE COME TO When we nitpicked at his ‘malambing’ item on his checklist. And believe me we worked on every other item with as much fervor and I could feel my brother straining against very new concepts of loving and being.
What do you mean not emotionally fucked?
Do you mean self-aware ? (Note to frame your desires in the positive)
Do you mean someone who lives in the NOW, and owns up to the responsibilities of their own neurosis?
He says he wants someone like Becca. And talks like she’s the ideal woman.
She meditates a lot doesn’t she? Yogini vibes.
If you were to fall in love with yourself, more, wouldn’t you need to demand yourself of the same thing? That you’re a person you want to be around in, who lives in the present and who meditates.
((he admits here that he doesn’t meditate as much anymore))
and why would ate becca want to be with you if you can’t provide that same support for yourself ?
PARSE AWAY AT YOUR LIST.
Fashion yourself an ideal lover, and let that ideal lover be yourself. Grow in a state of love within yourself and the partner in life will just naturally follow. Demand yourself to learn from this breakup and plant change within yourself. Only when you’re internal world changes will the physical world follow.
I know this sounds difficult but here me out when i say that the love available in this universe is infinite. You’re like a pearl inside the clam thirsty for water when you’re in an ocean of it. All you have to do is open your lips. You’re begging for people’s water bags when you’re knee deep sloshing in river water…
I tried to look for a metaphor for my brother:
YOU can have the most amazing dojo and most amazing teacher, but if the student doesn’t want to listen he ain’t gonna learn. Life is the most perfect place to learn and grow in love, the universe unconditionally loves you but you need to open up and be willing to listen. To receive, to not shoot yourself and the foot and say ‘oh i can’t learn this’.
YOU CAN LEARN THIS.
YOU CAN LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF.
YOU CAN LEARN TO LOVE BEAUTIFULLY , and be in a healthy relationship with yourself and extend this loving to other persons in a more sustaimnable and gorgeous way. YOU CAN LAY THE FOUNDATION OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, YOU know what love you need, be brave enough to give it to yourself.
*mic drop *walk away