It’s no longer January but it’s never too late to review and appreciate you learned from the past. Time, for the most part, is illusory and the things that happened during ‘2017’ can seem both distant and just yesterday all at the same time.
I just celebrated my birthday and I realized how so many of my basic assumptions I had for myself changed over the year. If the Maalia of last year had a ball of her recurring thoughts compared to the recurring thoughts I just had today, they would look drastically different. I’m proud of that.
Cursed are the people unwilling to change, or who invent their own cages that are tight on them as their skin.
I tried to flip my thoughts around. What did happen to my thoughts this past year, my consciousness, what’s different now? Like some spot the difference game with really two different pictures but of two persons who have the same name. What changed ?
What did I come to learn?
The person you ultimately live with, is yourself. So stop trying to perform for other people, or society’s expectations.
If anything keeping up with the laundry list of what you should do or not do is frankly tiring. You can’t do art or be a dancer because there’s no money. Don’t do work with the homeless and the poor because they’re dangerous and you’re just one weak girl. What’s your salary ? Here’s a cookie cutter version of a successful person in this capitalist hoohaa and would you kindly please fit in it ?
Um. No thanks.
This troubled me at first. I had full on arguments with myself, my stomach dropping to the floor as I fought with my own internal demons of why I was doing that or this, to impress who or what. I couldn’t take it anymore. So I drew a line.
If in metaphysics, everything in this universe is created from your point of reality. Then the only wisdom I should be listening to is myself. Because I’ve lived with myself longest, and I know myself really well, and I know what’s the best thing to give me inner peace.
I can learn to budget. I can learn to run side hustle and businesses. I’ve found homeless work that is both fulfilling and flexible in terms of work hours. I’ve made time to spend time with people who unconditionally love and support me and give me a new zest and perspective in life. Dealing with the ostracized of society, both the poor and the occult. I’ve realized we have a lot of wrong assumptions in boxing certain types of people.
Nooooooooo. Homeless people can have incredible work ethic and be NOT hopeless cases. Tarot people can work with the highest arch angels. Your parents will not always be correct, and at some point they will BUDGE with the things you won’t back off on. The sooner you listen to your inner wisdom you’ll be guided to the perfect people and situations. You’ll be able to teach dance sooner than expected. fuck you’re not just at peace- you’ll be goddamn happy.
You’ll define your own happiness, you’ll define your own success.
You live life on your OWN terms, and answer to noone but yourself. The person who is growing to love you the most in this entire universe who’s highest version always has your best interest at heart.
You see that person? You see yourself ?
How much self-love do you have that you will love mountains to grant every single wish, dream, reverie this wonderful being has had ? How much self-care and patience do you have to manage your energies well, and to take stock of the good things you have had in your life? How much energy will you gain when you redirect so much of that ‘performing for others’ energy inward.
INWARD, to truly know yourself and your specific needs.
How much time you actually need alone? how much time you need to process feelings through art? To realize the special shape of your energies, to forgive yourself for not being like everybody else, because you’re NOT everybody else. I realized I always needed several projects going for me at one time, and THAT’S PERFECTLY FINE.
If 2017 was full of worrying to do this that that that to be able to say that I’m a useful and productive citizen of this country, since i just graduated with a degree.. right (?)
2018 me now is full of: OHMYGAHD things are working out, I’m so full of energy, I can’t be too impatient with the things that are working so well for me. I’m realizing the world doesn’t work the way that I thought it works and that it’s actually full of miracles if you let it give it to you.
I’m learning to love myself better. To take care of myself better, as I grow into a Life that’s ‘beautiful’ not productive. I’m being patient with my craft, realizing repeatedly the unique ways to connect with the best facets of the human soul. It’s a wild and confusing ride.
I’ve realized that other people are on their own journeys, but they all have infinite souls. So i have no need to worry about them. Or even blame blame them, cast some as villians in a grand orchestra of Big Bad, the perfect story, to externalize the individual’s innate infinity. Everyone is Fine. The only person you’re responsible for is Yourself.
The universe is a reflection of yourself. We are all connected. At one point you’ll realize you’re on stitch in the fabric of the divine, the drop in the ocean the ocean in the drop that you’ll realize that when you heal yourself you heal the world.
That you were assigned these flaws and these talents.
So use them.
Focus on them.
No more wishy washy delays of distraction and blame. Own up to yourself, own up the love you must cultivate within yourself.
Watch yourself soar.