I had a lesson that was sent to me by a dream once, by a fox or the raven. The trickster or the native american god who stole fire for humans.
It was an RPG game and I was half of a team of two magicians scaling a snow peak. It was a race. And there was this mechanism of how all the players killed small animals like birds to gain stamina to keep running up the mountain.
We weren’t very fast players.
But we stopped by a ledge and talked about it. We were gonna spam a small and simple spell. We’re not gonna try to speed up our boots or our travel. We were gonna wipe out all the animals on that level in one go, making sure they will all have a difficult time respawning.
We performed the spell and the birds in the sky all dropped in one go. We continued up the mountain. All the other people after us, couldn’t find anything to eat to replenish their stamina. All of them became stuck at that level. We finished/ ranked higher than we would have if we didn’t “cheat”.
Though is it really cheating if it was an unfair game ?
We weren’t racers, we were magicians. We spammed a legal spell within the game.
Traditionally the seven of swords is a tarot card for lies and deceit.
But is it so terrible ?
I woke up that day remembering the dream vividly. None of the characters and situations were familiar from the day before. That dream was planted; the lesson was clear. You can be you creative and win by a different set of rules.
Be clever. Win in an unjust world.
Go ahead, and weave lies for your parents. You finally get the freedom that your soul needs. There is no moral call to this. You will keep getting this card until you understand. There is no solution to this except that it’s you weilding the rules to play the tune of your own game and to win on your terms, to live your life.
I confessed to my crush a few weeks ago and I don’t know why I didn’t blog about it. It felt momentous, looking back now, it still is, but for different reasons.
I love him.
But it wasn’t the type of crushes I had when I was younger. Where I idealized someone who had certain traits that I wanted for myself and I’d just fawn over them, not really getting to know them and putting them on the pedestal. It was fun, yes. It was like adrenaline shot in your veins, and you’re stupid happy for stupid reasons like you noticed how nice it is, the way he holds a pen.
Want to know what it feels like winning 10billion dollars ?
Fall in love. Suddenly everything is gold.
Suddenly the miniscule and the boring, are important and interesting. And I felt all of this with him and MORE – because this wasn’t just anyone – this was my BEST FRIEND.
*TAKE. DEEP. BREATHS. OKAY.
how do I possibly explain ?
I want him safe, I want him happy. I want the best for him even if it’s me out of the picture. I want him loved and protected and I want all of his dreams to come true. I’m happy when he’s happy and it’s insane. It’s like I’ve imploded into unconditional love because I’m like yes, I know and see all your flaws and I really don’t care I just want you to be alright. And I’ve never felt this genuinely ecstatic for someone else before and I don’t know what to do anymore.
Sure, blame the aries energies.
Only in hindsight did I realize ‘i want you safe’ isn’t the first thing that typically comes out of your mouth when you’re in love with a best friend. He’s a guy, he’s alright.
Why am I so overprotective?
I was hanging out with a soul family, very intuitive friend, of mine, ate jammi and she was helping me with a self-reading on my relationship with said bestfriend. turns out. Turns out we were lovers before. turns out.Wwe were lovers before in a time of war and danger and high stakes, and I gave up on a simple life and a simple guy to be with him. I can’t for the life of me imagine my bestfriend be the crazy gungho hero, but there are times that I feel like I wipe back to this life time.
When everything you loved and cared for was swept away. to the song
“i’ve got soul but i’m not a soldier” by the killers.
Chanting it as you cradle the memory of the pain. It’s really weird and visceral, cradling a phantom pain from a life before that is carried over. All the evidence seemed to float now in my face. the first thing that went out of my mouth is ‘I want him safe’ where all the danger he could ever face was his own anxiety for thesis season. That’s not mortal peril but that’s EXACTLY what it felt like.
Drew a card for the highest potential of our relationship in this lifetime. it was the shadowhunter deck, a book series he also ironically introduced me and it was… Philia – family. The card depicts tiberius and livia blackthron being all chummy in bed reading books together.
I STILL GET CONFUSED FEELINGS LOOKING AT THIS GADAMTHIS.
So this is what getting basted, and romantically turned down by cards feels like. black and white. look at that, that’s exactly our relationship, platonic. sibling like bonds. look we’re even hanging out in a library, we’re both writers and magic geeks and *sigh. jesus this is so weird.
Ofcourse I checked our synastry, no fair astrology enthusiast wouldn’t check that, and I’m definitely one of those. For those unfamiliar it’s how tow people’s energetic birth signatures match. Pretty fun, (check cafeastrology.com for yours?? haha)
AND H’WELL. my favorite planetary/energetic aspect of ours, whose specific name escapes me now, is one that talks about how we come from different backgrounds and world views… but with enough similarities that we can relate meaningfully to each other and therefore learn.
Doesn’t that describe us to a T. I can list down probably ten different niche things we’re both interested in (asexuality, BL, haikyuu, fanfiction, architecture, magic, aliens, non-linear time, occult and more) but have all widely different approaches too. I love angst, he loves fluff. I’m a lightworker, he’s a geomancer. I pound out writing for the hell of it and publishes without thinking, he obsessively edits and would never show any of it except to people he trusts.
I. the reading was spot on I was gnashing my teeth.
And it was such a fun reading too and I can’t help but talk to him about it. I showed him our card and wondered what reaction he would get from it. When I did the reading I thought I was tiberius, because I was tiberius in a bunch of other card spreads I did on the same days.
And when he saw it he went- nope.
That’s me. Look he’s wearing a red shirt, and look at Livia. She has curly hair just like you. Then he asked me what their story was, because this was a part of the book series he hasn’t read yet.
I was like.
umm. livia is an overprotective sister to this boy genius twin brother.
that damn word again.
I told him. god wasn’t that the most energetically jacked I’ve been IN A WHILE, also one of the most scariest – constipated ?? thing I did because i didn’t know if i was being selfish needing to confess in a time THAT THE CHILD WAS DOING THESIS FOR GOD SAKES DONT STRESS HIM OUT. plus. all of it happened through chat. CUASE I COULDN’T DAMN WAIT, like there was a dam breaking and I just couldn’t just stop myself even if i tried, like some natural disaster.
imagine. your best friend dropping a bomb.
confessing to you through chat.
He took it the way I thought he would , fairly, calmly.
libras I tell you.
SO CALM. while I was a living embodiment of a gif.
He let me down nicely, especially because I did it for him. philia, that’s our highest embodiment right now. I said, I tried really hard to explain. I love you unconditionally, wagas that I want you cared for and happy and it’s the single most embarrassing confession I’ve ever had but also one of the most honest. I tried to unpack all of this after.
Why should I beat myself up on this, why would I think that’s a wrong feeling to have.
He says it’s so sweet that I’m so protective of a friend and I’m like (1) maybe you don’t understand how happy you’ve made me feel but also (2) reading back on my messages, why would I be ashamed of a beautiful kind of love? even if it’s not of a romantic kind.
I unpacked further with a few other friends, but mostly myself.
Are all cookies better than cakes ? No. It’s the proportion and quality of the ingredients that make each pasty an excellent example of either cookie or cake. Romantic relationships are not on some hierarchal scale of always being better than friends.
An important, expansive, loving and meaningful relationship, soulmate level of stars aligning to bring you lessons and comfort and exactly who you need right now does not translate automatically as romance. Love between friends can be just as revolutionary.
i get that. i get that. i love you. shit.
He explained something similiar on his side , as his way of processing and he just went. oh. We came to the same conclusion, saying the same thing with different words. we’re not necessarily lovers …
I think about it now.
I showed a couple of my trusted friends. They said that there’s an aspect of him that still didn’t hear it. He read my messages and understood what it meant but it hasn’t completely sinked in.
THAT’S A HUGE LESSON FOR ME BY THE WAY.
Loving someone who lives in a different energetic reality than you. I’m clairsentient by the way, so I can feel other people’s auras their energies, I can feel the exact shape of their miseries as well as their joys. it’s “more of them“, if anything else.
What’s crazy is that, other than quick aura scans- I’ve realized. This is the energy the person lives with EVERY DAY. this is their reality, LITERALLY. their world, their truth and it could be wholly different than mine and be EQUALLY VALID.
I saw my best friend and I felt just how much space he needs more than other people. How he needs more time for himself , and how energetically he’s the kind that flourishes in individual and quiet work. observant, excellent listener – has trouble speaking up when all his energies are all this blue azure, patient – chill.
make him write his thoughts, don’t force him to speak. this is how to love him.
Personally, I’m the kind who wants to hug him to death, I’m literally an aries spit ball of fire who has 10,000 side projects and probably didn’t weigh the consequences. WE’RE SO DIFFERENT. and i’ve become so understanding, only because I care for him so badly.
My two trusty tarot friends told me, give him two months. there’s a lot of going on for him right now and things need to settle, and he needs time to process.
and i’m like.
i know that.
and my crazy fire is all liek (!!$ONEK@E!###!#!@!!@@!!!>>> CHANNEL ALL THIS!@!RAEGING BURNING INTO MY NEW BUSINESS – that which whose details haven’t reported in this blog yet but it will come)
so see you around june 15? maybe we’d have a different development by then. i binge watched my revolutionary girl utena these past few days to help with my karmic release.
i love my tarot friends. thanks ate jenny and ate jammi.
and weirdly im thankful for the experience. i think i now know why i like angsty war dramas, if it purges a memory deep in my psyche.
our pastlives, are really a funny thing.
EDIT: POST POST POST NOTE. I’ve come to realize that I write these bloggos mostly from severely personal point of view where I assume the reader has a level of familiarity with the magic thinggos I deal with on a daily basis. I’ve come to realize this is not always the case for most readers, and I should really adjust my POV or at least break down ideas in introductory articles. I hope to hit my stride and the right tone here eventually. But from the bottom of my heart, thanks for reading.