meditating on change

The other day I had dinner with two girls five years younger than me.

They were going off to college. One was scared of leaving friends, but already saw it coming. She found herself maturing(?), changing beliefs compared to her friends and already felt that she was leaving them. The other girl was busy on her phone, so it was like me and N just talking.

She was slowly realizing how petit she was, how judgemental and she knew she was changing for the better. yet she was sad.

I shared to her a couple of stories.

 

One time I had a best friend do a friendship breakup with me. It wasn’t because our bond wasn’t good or wasn’t real during our highschool life, it’s just that our paths have diverged so much and we’ve become different people. We have nothing to talk about anymore, we can’t seem to genuinely connect on anything no matter how hard we tried.

I still believe he was a special unicorn in my life. He made bio class with that sh*tty prof tolerable and I still think his emo poetry is beyond magnificent. I remember him chatting me on those last days.

” We had a good run. ”

And I remember at that time reacting all angry and clingy that this could maybe! still work. But looking back now.

He was right, we did have a good run. It’s just done now.

N , voiced out a realization. The reason she was so sad is because if something ended she feels like it was meaningless. Like a broken vase that can’t hold water. But she now realizes that just because something was not a vase anymore, doesn’t mean it wasn’t a good vase – when it was a vase. And that you loved and appreciated it during it’s time.

I pointed out that treating a broken vase as if it could hold water, is not practical at all. You’re lying to yourself and you’re not giving proper respect to what was and where it is now.

Which leads to weirdly, sample number two.

I think you need to come to a point where you can congratulate divorced people, like in that Louis CK skit. At some point you loved each other and then at some other point it didn’t work. To an extent that you guys decided that legally separating was going to be the best choice. You can be happy and feel relieved being separated and then And say.

“It was good while it lasted”. But yea, it’s done now.

N was sad but felt lighter about the whole discussion. The her that existed before with those set of ‘popular’ friends is still meaningful and valid. She’s just not here now, N is just becoming a different person. Looking out for her own health and happiness. Embracing change.

I empathized with her deeply though.

I graduated college a year ago, and life is imaginably a whirlwind. First job, angst about money and independence. Grappling with the idea of making a career out of your passions or sticking to something safe or what you took a degree in.

It’s been wild.

eg. The other day I was paid for dance privates ! AND THEY PAID A LOT. I was so nervous about the referral (since it was from my maestra) but the class was also so easy to teach. The student were super beginners and my anxiety about it was blown out of proportion. I’ve been scaring myself from teaching for far too long.

Also. 

My intuitive mentor also referred to me one of her clients. I was to clear this office space for this businesswoman who said there was an entity lying around. I saw a really sad man ducking in the cabinet. I asked him to leave, after acknowledging and empathizing how sad he was. Helping was so oddly fulfilling. The pay, was not bad.

Both of these things , totally outside of my norm.

And that’s just JULY.

IN A SPAN OF A WEEK.

I’m changing a lot. I’m changing so fast.

I really do relate to Paulo Coelho’s “I sat down by the river piedera and wept” when it’s main character said that people can completely turn their life upside down in a span of a week. And it’s true. People can drop so much trauma and baggage with a snap of a finger and in a day and FEEL completely transformed.

Sadghuru even famously quips that after a day, your facial structure can transform if you allowed your internal world to blossom. To a point that people can’t recognize you. The ego’s an act, you can change character. Are you picking the same one all the time?

 

 

I confessed to N, that I guess it’s the Aries in me that’s excited about chasing around different passions that makes me courageous in the face of change. I’m too thrilled to think things through or to mourn. I go through, and a have a lot of different friend groups. The ones that have stayed the longest, and run the deepest was family and my salsa crew and recently this magic crew of mine.

I can’t relate to people who’ve kept friends since they were gradeschool, let alone highschool. I know that seems sad, but my brother is to the bones my bestfriend. (And my grandma and magic mentor is some other dimension kinship I can cry for days in) so I don’t feel like I’m at any loss.

But I am scared. That night talking to N I knew what she was going through.

I have a college bestfriend who was changing.

Or at least our relationship was.

He just finished college and he’s going through the same whirlwind I went through and am currently spinning in. Our common ground of talking about our undergrad and hobbies is losing ground. Both of us are out here redefining ourselves and having all these new priorities. And I – .. I don’t want him to be collateral.

He doesn’t seem affected though. Maybe because he’s maintained some of his friendships since grade school. He knows and has experience how to keep close friends even when communication runs scarce. Maybe because he’s had friends with shorter courses than us and he’s seen this happen a few times already. People settle in their jobs and have quite predictable lives, to a point that they get board and run around trying to get a love life.

I well, my other close friends are all either much older than me or family so CAN’T RELATE.

So I swear I feel panic. This disproportionate panic about caring about someone so much and wishing they were in your life more but having or feeling that none of that is in your control. I wish there was some kind of skip button, where he can go through major life changes and settle into his new identity, new job, new dorm whatever- NOW and I can be assured that this new version still wants to be my friend.

What’s worse is that I confessed (and got rejected mind you) to this person, and I don’t know if I have ultimately f*cked myself over as friend material.  If anything this has motivated me to make more money and independent like I’ve never ever wanted before (this kind of deserves it’s own post???) Because I have this crazy logic that if I had money and independence I could swoop in and be your sugar daddy like we usually joke about.

UGH. WHAT’s WORSE.

Is I know it’s all in my head, and I know for a fact that he doesn’t treat or see my differently as to what we were before. (which is both a relief and frustration for me). And I could legitimately say this is the on thing palpak (majorly effed thing) in my life right now. HAHAHA.

AND JUST WHILE I WAS TYPING THIS. I GOT AN INTERVIEW FOR THIS NEW JOB I’M LOOKING AT. GADAMDIS. I GUESS IM WRITING ABOUT JOB CHANGES NEXT POST.

So yeah, those examples helped N. I hope it helps someone out there too. And it’s okay to be self-aware but still have a hard time. But make sure to deal with things and move forward. I think I am.

Here’s to life!

M

 

 

 

 

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