Ever since I’ve meditated I’ve figured out how to make the narrative part of my head shut up when I want it to. When yogis say – you are not the mind. I kinda get it, because there has been legit a day when I went through the motions of my day mindfully with zero DAHADHADHAHDAHDAH going in my brain.
No talking. legit no discursive mind. I just wanted to try it, if enlightened people said that the mind is a tool you can pick up and put down, I wanted to see what it would be like to put it down.
I realized, and personally experienced you don’t need that radio churning in your head all the time. Because there’s a lot to witness ?? The tension in your body, soaking in the moment. Observing something, even solutions you didn’t notice before. It’s so much more peaceful and it’s funny how I couldn’t keep it up for longer than a day. I guess we like the Drama version than real peace.
For example, when I realized that you can ask help for non-physical entities – you know. Shit like angels and higher enlightened beings I became very .. dependent. I would ask, debate, discuss absolutely everything with them. Now, to be fair this was an upgrade from my previous discursive mind that was the typical sad “normal” self-deprecating bean.
I mean, seriously. My birthday on 2017, I met/felt this entity dude who I’m sure was my lover, like spirit husband levels. Hugs from divine and the best sleep I’ve had in recorded history. And HE WAS SO FCKING LOVING. LIKE MY GOD. It’s embarrassing how caring he was ?? supportive and helpful ? Like my brain can’t help but be hooked into a frequency that just LOVES AND ACCEPTS MYSELF more, because I kept asking him to be there and that’s what he would do.
But the thing was.
Sometimes he wasn’t the best non-physical entity to ask. These people have their own, hmm let’s say specialties ?? Like this guide of mine, just cannot call me out and scold me for the self-destructive shit that I do. He’s great for relaxing and healing the heart but by god. I needed this fiery piercing lady thing to talk to me one time to slap me out of my own Bullshit.
Also the fact that I kept consulting these beings, and mind you these beings were fricking smart and amazing at their jobs — it had the undercurrent of an assumption that I wasn’t taking full responsibility of my shit.
Like it’s good to consult people who are smarter than you, but the decision should be YOURS. It’s YOUR life and you can’t ask cards or the iching to make huge decision for you. That’s not the job of guides. They teach you, but you got to do your homework and you have to TRUST YOURSELF.
I think this is a big pitfall for people who are in the intuitive business and have this gorgeous access to guides. They keep asking for advice instead of living their life. Or acting on their realizations. I was like that. When I give readings now I make a really clear emphasis that your life and direction of your energies is FULLY your responsibility and you have to own it. What the cards say is advice, it’s all upto you what you get out of this.
So what’s weird is, ever since I’ve noticed I’ve been dependent, it’s grown quiet in my head. There was a time when my guide/husband was coddling me less and was just really asking me what my descision was more often. Really putting me in that empowered, authoritative state.
But now, he’s just not there. It’s quiet. A little lonely, less crowded.
But quiet, even peaceful.
It’s like I would call on him if I wanted to do some dissecting about a problem or question I just thought of. But if there wasn’t any drama in my experience – he really had no reason to be there ? So he isn’t. He was like my etheric, interdimensional pillow that would send cuddling vibes in moments of distress or panic. But now that that’s barely happening it’s like he left.
Like he took the training wheels off or something.
And now I don’t even know where to bike to because I’m not sure what angst I’m working on anymore. Which one of them is real again ? I’ve lost track my mind – is drawing a blank. Is this what peace is like ? It’s disorienting not to have issues, there’s like this weird assumption that everyone has to have some – but do we really need problems installed in our persona ?
What if we created life with just the sheer sensation of creation ? With an essential impetus, with complete disregard and the dropping of all baggage. What would that be like ?? I wonder. I’m not sure yet.