- I haven’t written a personal blog entry for a while
- This theme has been beaten down to it’s bones but it’s worth talking about.
You’ll be in Power soon enough, all the older generations have to die at some point. Those things you looked forward to every year? They’re held up and carefully maintained by a group of people, it’s systems, it’s works – the marketing and all.
With just a snap of a finger, things you thought you could always come back to – will simply change.
I think this is a worthy tipping point to offer to everyone who’s still afraid and living small. Wanting to let the world pass them by just being told what to do.
All those things, all those careful things you’ve kept and live off of – those will wither. IT WILL DIE. IT WILL BE LOST TO THE WIND.
So you’re either growing and appreciating every single second of the wonder and opportunity that you’re having or you’re not. You, will never have this moment again. The fear of losing things is goddamn legitimate but that fear is also another half of another truth.
To Live in the Moment.
I have a few things that come to mind when I talk about this. The dance congress that hallmarked my every february is going to stop happening next year. My father is reitiring and I’m suddenly not chaperoned by soldiers everywhere and anywhere I go. The dance studio I frequent is having lesser students but also some new interesting teachers.
I’m finally pursuing art, finally. After a year in the theater company I’m in I further realize that my goals as an artist are wholly and uniquely my responsibility. The company just inspires me. I remember a few years ago I was super attached to this dance friend, and just last year I couldn’t let go of a friendship who’s seed has already fully died. Sometimes I still feel pangs of mourning – I miss him, I wish it wasn’t this way..
But those are just micro-aggressions to the present moment. A denial of who I am now and what is. And fuck who I am now is also moving, every day I re-fall in love with people I meet, some of the closest people close to me heal and grow and it’s fantastic and inspirational. I feel like I can become more things.
Just a month ago, I started making table top rpg games and the online community is wonderfully supportive and is this mass of internet friend support like the oneI used to have in gradeschool. It’s a nice change, from the very heady one-on-one friendships I’m used to having. But I’ve also never felt so supported and validated by such a swath of people – my voice.
I’m also getting better enough in dance, and longer enough in the scene that I’ve stopped putting on a pedestal everyone who does art. I now see their choices. I see how they run things. I see how honest they are with their art, and the compromises and visions of how they choose to continue. Even – they are not the same.
to live and die in each breath
is what I find myself doing. There’s something crazy that happens when you start living for yourself, for your most entombed desires, for the highest and fullest expression of yourself. You’re hungry, you’re open to become. I feel fearless.
I’m less scared about asking out that guy – because nothing stays the same anyway. I’m so much more candid with my I love yous. I feel my laughs deeper, my gratefulness deeper. Even my pain – who am i to judge? deeper. And i feel my compassion grow from that too.
I find myself appreciating the people I meet, I find myself identifying with the ocean more than as a wave, seeing the shifts and currents of a collective – as myself and with myself and I really feel more grateful and full. It’s so easy for me now to read people who are walling themselves out from the experience of life because of fear, loss , doubt.
And yet – who are we to judge?
That those things are worse and things like happiness and success are objectively better? You only really have the now and the mess of it. Or like in good omens – the ineffability of it.
Some days I watch free anime online with the perfect caliber and I go like – how does reality even exist in this way? That I can do this? Watch shit for free and yell to a global community of fans?
I also feel more grateful for the spaces that nurtured me
I think it’s suffice to say that regular school systems are shit. So the adhoc networks of healers, artists, bloggers, personalities who consciously provide platforms for people to me more themselves is – tear jerking. I tell you. I think about how far I’ve grown and healed and navigated the mess of a series of awakenings and facing of big daddy fears and I really couldn’t have done it without all the giants I stand on.
I am so grateful, and I realize it’s so much more easier to point the way to your heart when you’ve lived there. I’ve helped so much more people now that I actually have something to say and something to stand for. More people reaffirm my work my voice – are buoyed by it? Look to me for guidance.
And I don’t want to say that I’m pressured by it. It’s actually good reminders of what I’ve already come to know – but I realize how the structures and platforms for such self-awareness, kindness, and compassion are things that are really Grown. Built even.
Patiently, with time, collectively as a group, self-lessly as you offer something to the world – something they need but may not know that they want. How this exists and persists in the world that is changing is to be dreamed of — Meaning you wish it, plan it, and do it to be true.
You finally, put your money, actually your entire life on it. You start drawing very tangible lines on the ground of what you value and live for and you get this true north of where the hell you’re going.
And you’d be surprised with the unexpected separation, truces and meetings that those new lines would lead you to. Change, again. And you can’t do anything about it. Because that’s the price you pay for becoming, and that also – it will happen anyway – wether you consciously do so or not.
I find that I have the opportunity to live deeply in each and every one of my moments. That there are views worth seeing and that I am increasingly growing dissatisfied of the boxes I imagine. Some days I feel like each hour and each date is so different I find it difficult to maintain or even recall a mental-emotional state from yesterday.
Even my consistency is a constant choice. Because I’m willing to let go of so many of my old presumptions. Old crutches of what used to make me feel okay. I see everyone as rife with change everyday and i reswim in the experience of loving my grandmother, interacting with my brother. Always so transient.
I find myself living at the edge of discomfort – “uncomfortable” change and being increasingly okay with that.
So yea, that’s about it with what’s happening to my waking life.