Are you really intuitive or do you have a C-PTSD coping mechanism? How to heal and form a healthy ego

Hi, I’m Maria and I consider myself quite spiritual and am a highly intuitive person. I’m also personally aware of how closely correlated my early childhood trauma and neglect (Childhood Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or CPTSD) is to my skills in reading and attending to other people’s needs and having a bias towards what I consider to be more passionate, loving, and kind. 

I am not the only one.

Some common traits.. 

If you have loved ones, friends, or are simply, the someone who also identifies with these experiences you’ll will notice some patterns. These types of people are incredibly kind and attuned to suffering. Spiritual-artist-martyr types who feel like they don’t belong to this world or are misunderstood. They have light and “soft” bodies that are very sensitive to harsh environments, they may prefer a lot of time in nature and prefer non-violence, unconditional love, and radical acceptance of people’s eccentricities. 

These people can be vegan, be very “feminine”, want to be in nature, and hang around very similar energies. They may choose to live an unconventional life to flout an over-capitalistic way of life and are generally bad at money. They can like energy healing, hippie aesthetics, esoterica and a lot of eastern or yogic spiritual traditions.

Understanding the archetype

Now understand that I’m not here to typecast people. I have been and still generally fall into this category. (I’m literally posting in a blog with the words “spirit library”). What I want to do right now is to help people grasp the very natural mechanics of why certain people turn out this way. And also address the common pitfalls in individuation/growing up these types can easily miss. And at the same time, also give a perspective of someone who’s been there to address not only people who feel like they are/or are going through something like this and their loved ones who are having a hard time understanding what they’re going through.

Metaphysical Upgrades, Breaking of Realities and … putting it back together

For the “initiated” (excuse the term), awakening experiences come with a lot of energetic and metaphysical updates. Often intuitive will cite extra-sensory abilities, sensing/seeing energy, having strong hunches, a clear-lightness on the crown of their heads (7th-8th chakras being very activated. 

In a mundane sense this is very disorienting. When I went through this, I saw a lot of hanging energetic things off of people’s bodies, could viscerally feel the immateriality of money when I stared at bank account numbers – oh and get this, my dreams were so vivid I would wake up to this world and feel the film in the air, knowing this is a vision, a dream. 

Due to the intensity of this, this will make us have a hard time to care about a lot of persona-ego level things. Career, money, appearing sane, wanting things that your peers want or society wants etc. In some level this is exhilarating, you feel like Yoda, or (if pompous enough) “enlightened” that you are above other people because of these peak experiences and unique abilities. We may go through a time to consider to make this our whole personality and profession (since we’re focusing so much of our energy, grasping and understanding this thing that happened to us) and have a hard time “participating” in the world. Ergo, seclusion, isolation, a lot of meditation with guides and spirits. 

The call to… ego

Now I really want to get this out of the way: these aren’t bad things to do. Honestly when something that beautiful and disorienting happens to you, you will read and hone the skills to properly manage it. How to shield, how to turn off your senses, how to shift your previous frame of the world but now factor in spirit and divine selves ok! YEA! Cool! Clearly takes some time.

Now there will be a time when the world calls you back. Unless your ego is completely disintegrated and you are fully enlightened— there will come a time when your old persona, her old small dreams and aspirations of the world will come peaking out. Also (as the case for me), the spirit world can kick you out and literally say, LIVE IN THE 3D WORLD, YOU’VE LEARNED ALL THE YOU CAN FROM TREE MOTHER. 

There are several reasons for this and I want to address the belief systems that might stop this natural process:

Awareness and leaning into the process

  1. The world is hard. Living in spirit, can feel ecstatic and removed from the world. When you are in a small egg of yourself, understanding, and not engaging with the world it’s less stressful. And thus you can overstay your welcome in this initiation.
  2. You don’t like yourself (your role/ your ego). You don’t think you’ll ever be understood so why bother stepping into yourself or power? You don’t think it’s possible, and if you ever had to do something about it would require a lot of change, and you haven’t gathered enough Will to live as your True Self, that is more aligned to who you are in spirit. 
    • *Note: The initiation to relentlessly being a Self(Persona/Ego I use these terms interchangeably) is separate from the Realiziation of being Spirit/Divine. Just because you’ve had peak experiences doesn’t mean your ego can’t do some harmful things to itself. And it’s fully possible to be a well-integrated person and not believe in the spirit and magic of you and this world. To be honest, it would help to have a well-integrated Ego when going through an “awakening” but it’s not always the case, especially when these experiences happen when you are young. 
  3. You don’t want to have a “Self” and/or anything egoic is negative to you, you feel like you’re surrounded by narcissists. Maybe, you’ve come from a place of neglect and trauma, and erasing your “self”, was your way of receiving love and attention. If you become so good at this, you become a highly intuitive, hyper-sensitive, people pleaser, who “fawns” (prioritizes) at every other person’s need. (This is why it’s categorized as a “fawn” trauma response).        This is unhealthy because the person will have no sense of self, no sense of self-worth since they’ve constantly self-erased themselves. They will have to teach themselves to really be honest and know what they want, and be okay with disappointing or even upsetting other people. They must build a stronger ego (solar plexus) energy to be resilient enough to continue arguing for what they really need, and not simply acquiesce, as their trauma response/comfort zone will pull them to do. If anything, they can continue to receive strong messages from spite but may lack the will and the follow-through to trust their gut or their personal calling. 

If you are reading this, you might have a hunch that you, or someone you love is going through this process. I highly commend you for being radically honest with yourself. Here are a few things that are to me, keys and fulcrums to help you lean into what is happening.

  1. You are fully responsible for your emotions, actions and their consequences. You can enjoy that. || One of the facets, of the escapist spiritual hide-out is that it can also iterate itself as a Peter Pan syndrome of never wanting to grow-up. You have an inner child that wants time to play and be heard! Great! But you are also an adult, and that adults creates the container for your child to feel safe and to simply flourish. Taking responsibility and ownership of your actions also helps to recall all your energies back to you, since you no longer blame other people or situations for your internal condition. It is a power and a force, and we must address our relationship to that word POWER, to wield and occupy it properly in this world. When you are feeling overwhelmed, scattered, tired, lean into the inherent power of CHOICE, and choose things that are more aligned with your spirit and keep following your process. 
  2. Get to know oneself, love and celebrate oneself. If recovering from a fawn trauma response it is very important to be able to identify your desires that are intrinsic and identify the ones that are extrinsic. Yes you’ll always negotiate and collaborate with what the world wants, but since you’re exercising your divine right to CREATE, you can consciously amp your meter towards what is joy-making for you, brings you peace, and allows you to develop this tenacity with being okay with being different. With being on your own side first, all the time, building a rapport with your self that you trust you, and your choices. And that you’re worth showing up for. Because even if in spirit you know this is simply a role you play, if you don’t commit to the role you’re a bad actress and you missed the point of incarnating here anyway.
  3. Redefining spirituality with what is true for yourself. This is actually quite similar to queer culture, once you come out and accept yourself as gay you want to try all the bells and whistles that comes with that identity. You want to try the clothes, the music, your friends reflect affirm this identity and are close to your identity. When you’re not celebrated as a queer princess in a space you may choose to not be there. That’s perfectly fine. But there will come a time when queerness in the same vein spirituality as a persona will no longer wholly encompass you. You’ve had already integrated your truth. Yoga retreats, divination, even the title healer/intuitive may no longer resonate with you as an identifier to your ego. What if you just wanted to be a mom? A rich artist? An athlete who eats meat? Everything is already inherently spiritual, and you’re less obsessed about the practices that help you integrate because well! You’re already integrated.
  4. And I’ll keep that to three and leave you to find out the rest for yourself. 

Final thoughts and receiving help

This can be really tricky. Imagine your whole concept of the world shattered, on a -spirits exist and I get messages in dreams level- and then you find out you have to put it back together again. I hope this article is helpful to people who’ve gone through this and people who are doing their best to understand those who are going through their similar journeys. If anything I would like to remind you that celebrating the growth of their persona, not judging having a persona – or being hippie as fuck! is the key in being supportive and loving in their growth.

Don’t be afraid to reach out to people who have been where you’re at, may it be this blog, a local meditation group, or even just a well-integrated successful person who you think you can learn a lot from in operating in this world. When you start checking your logic, research, heart, gut, and spirit holistically when moving towards your decisions you’ll know you’re operating your physical vehicle quite fluently.

I believe I’ve been on this integrative journey for some time now, and I honestly want to say it’s worth it so I hope this has been of help to you. Leave a comment or message for any inquiries or thoughts you would like to share. Thank you for being here. 

Take care now,

Maria. 

PS: If you want some sources to help you make sense of the spiritual awakening bits, see special collection. If you want sources on how to person, personal development coaches are fine (eg: Tony Robbins) or even simply leaning into learning skill-sets that aren’t too spirituality related or ground you. (Cooking, Working out with weights, Money podcasts! and so on).

your soul is welcome here

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s